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The risk we take when we are vulnerable

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The therapeutic relationship is unlike any other in that the connection, at its best, should feel welcoming to all of the different parts that make up the whole self. In our daily relationships it is not uncommon to find that we split certain parts of ourselves off, only allowing the parts that are “accepted” to be seen or even exaggerated. While those parts that are not accepted go unseen or even unrecognized, yet the pain of disguise or disengagement with these parts of the self is still felt.
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From a young age the foundation is set regarding what needs will and won’t get met in connection with others, specifically with the primary caregiver. What a sacred bond this is and how fragile it can be in the first few years of life when survival is dependent upon this caregiver. When we are young we signal to our caregiver that there is a need emerging within us that we, independent of our caregiver, cannot meet and therefore require their assistance. When the need gets met our internal state is quelled and another need emerges; repeating the process and providing a safe and supportive environment in which the self can thrive. However, as we are all imperfect humans, there are bound to be needs that go unmet by our caregivers and therefore, in those repeated moments of disconnect, we make an unconscious decision that we will either begin to meet those needs on our own or they get split off from the self, creating self-protection in a time of vulnerability. In small and big ways we are constantly learning what is safe and what is not, as well as different ways in which we can create safety by managing our internal and external world; whether real or imagined. 

As we grow a rhythm of connection begins to take shape over time. We take the foundational information that was created in childhood and begin to mold our environment around it and the creative ways in which we adapted to this information as children. Needs continue to swirl within us, flowing in and out of our awareness, in search of a space in which they will get met either through connection or within our own creative ways of adjusting to a pattern of needs going unmet. If our foundation of connecting with others is built on unmet needs, splitting off of needs, or meeting the needs of others we can begin to build patterns in relationship that recreate this foundation over and over again, leaving us feelings unfulfilled and unseen. We may learn that it is risky to be vulnerable and our foundation may have taught us that the pain of being unseen or unheard is not worth the risk, therefore we may find that we are not being vulnerable in our relationships which may then result in an overall sense of not belonging.  

It is when our ways of adjusting to our internal and external world is no longer fulfilling or working in a way that is beneficial that therapy can be useful. Just the same, it is when our previously unmet needs are no longer as easily disguised or ignored as they once were that therapy can provide the connection in which these needs can become recognized and met in a new way. Therapy provides a safe environment in which an exploration of the roots underneath symptoms of depression, anxiety, relationship issues and other issues can be recognized and a new pattern of relating to the self and others can occur. In therapy we relearn what it means to be vulnerable and what it is like to be seen and heard in a new way.

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